The Fear of Uncertainty…

Nothing in this world is truly certain. There is always doubt hindering my ability to see, if I have made the correct choice. I am constantly thinking ahead. Where as other people tend to live in the moment. I was never brought up to live for the moment, I was conditioned to believe that my actions will create consequences, in which I have to consider how my behavior, and choices will affect those surrounding me. I was vigilant,  and over analytical and tried to prevail as the world intended me to do so. Following this theory has morphed me into a people pleaser. A “YES” person. I constantly struggle with uttering the word “NO”. It many circumstances it may come easy, for instance if someone offers me any food that contains animal products, or if I want to go hunt. Yet, when it comes to standing up for myself, I somehow struggle immensely.  I think back to my childhood, and scrutinize through the darkness I find, that through the years of my existence I have always second doubted my actions, all of my choices. Did I ever have a chance to make a decision and only consider myself in the equation? No. I couldn’t. I always had to think of the well being of my family and others, and it felt good to make others feel good. I felt that there was nothing better  than being able to inflict mirth upon those who you love, but at the same time, why is it so hard to do the same for myself?…  Why do I find it so easy to neglect myself and tell others advice, I wish to be advising myself?… Upbringing is everything. Although I enjoy who I am today, I know that the repressed damages thrive on. As the years go by my self doubt accumulates, and it is grander than any good thought can be. My good thoughts are slaughtered by the appearance of my negative past. I try to move forward from what I have endured, and see that I can overcome obstacles, but how can I prevent them from the emotional scarring that continues to dwell to dull my spirits?… Thus making choices has always been a big challenge for me. Being in a situation that involves making a grand decision will constantly berate me. I don’t know what decisions are good or bad. I do know that if my body or mind are hinting at me that a change is needed, then perhaps I should be good to my body and listen to it uninterupttedly  as I would others…

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